I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
