this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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