I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
