Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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