do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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