had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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