I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
