Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
