im drinking this country out of the recession.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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