My sheets look like a crime scene.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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