I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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