she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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