You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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