when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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