I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
