Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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