Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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