Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
