i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She made me pour olive oil on her.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
