You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Are we still banned from the library?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
