you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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