I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
