So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
