All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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