captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.