he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
