first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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