My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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