the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
