I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
