I think I died a long time ago.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize