anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
