the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
