a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
