god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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