:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
