tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
