my cup is half full, half full of rum.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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