drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So many bounce houses so little time
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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