He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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