I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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