Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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