It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She needs sedatives and a leash
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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