It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
