He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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