All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
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He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
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I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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