Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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