I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My penis needs a shock collar
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
