My liver just broke up with me...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Boobs speak an international language.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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