dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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