Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
