I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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