My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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